On the... day of Christmas...

My true love remains undiscovered. Its not writing, I feel as if I abuse the right. It's not life, I feel as if I don't understand it. Its not Christmas, at least not yet this year. Is true love everlasting though?

I consider change and how much of it I feel pressured to do. Change the curtains, paint the walls, clean the house, be merry...some would say oh what a Scrooge! But really what is Christmas?

While living in New York I worked until midnight Christmas Eve, many years. The pretty snow turned to slush except for on the Christmas cards and the television and in the movies. Never a cozy fire with any of the trimmings, gift under a tree, cider or hot chocolate.

I refuse to shelve what is year round a generally problematic existence to herald the arrival of one of the most conflicted of my beliefs, Jesus Christ.

It helps to get drunk, but that usually helps everything, except the morning after.

The struggle for freedom, no allusions to European hegemony intended, continues. Even as I try to accept Christmas on my own terms, it is not without conflict.

In recent times I have had good times at Christmas, liming and eating with friends, which we do year round but I guess for the sake of the Christ Child, its special when it happens around this time of year.

I have come to resent, despite them being lodged comfortably in my mind, Winter Wonderland, I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas and the others that just make no sense while sung in this locale.

In Trinidad and Tobago we have developed our own brand of Yuletide music which is at times irreverent, no judgment attached, and too brutally honest, the name escapes me but one recent addition to the selections basically said, just give me the cash.

No idealist but definitely at a loss as to what to feel apart from pressure. I have to get the tree up, shop, clean, feel merry....oh yeah I listed those already.

Could it be that clearing up the truth about the celebration would help. Businesses say, Ey! Is year end and we milking you'll! Christian churches say without this hoopla we have not a leg to stand on. Children say thanks for the time off and the more the merrier! America say OK! We still rule the hemisphere! Yet to hear an English Carol or have someone offer me some goose!

Its my fault, I know, I could not identify as Christian, but then what? I'll try and find the answer for that in a subsequent posting.

Its a good time to get stuff done yeah, like cleaning and gift giving and getting together. On the issue of celebrating the birth of Christ I don't know. The only reason He saves me from sins is because He made me a sinner, did I really need that?

Not sure why we treat Paganism as we do but its also the date of a festival marking the ascension of the Sun in the Western Hemisphere or something like that. Isn't that why we have so few Amerindians, because they were sun-worshipers?

Not to make a joke of Jesus but I do sometimes wish he would just return and clear up the mess in my mind.

Now mind you, I'm in it eh, rant and all, just not sure I'm still of it.

And a partridge in a pear tree.